That Darn Cat
by Metarie
Summary: A dark castle on an alien world... when two crewmen go missing, Kirk has to go in after them, no matter how hungover he is. Reboot remix of the TOS episode "Catspaw," written for an LJ challenge.


_**A/N: I'M ALIVE, everyone. I have one final left in my college career and then I am free to write all the fic I want. Who needs real life? Not me! Anyway – I promise to get back to updating things you might actually care about posthaste. In the meantime, have this remixed version of an old TOS episode (written for operation80 on LiveJournal, where all the original episodes are being remixed into the reboot universe and it is awesome).**_

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The first thing that crossed Kirk's mind when the witches appeared was _oh hell no,_ and shortly after that it was _was__ that real_ and after he checked that it was, it was just _oh hell no_ a few more times.

"I'm never drinking again," he declares to no one in particular.

"I beg your pardon, Captain? I do not see what your drinking habits have to do with the holographic apparitions we just observed."

"Shut up, Spock."

The holograms had spewed some kind of warning, mentioning him by name - normally he would have been worried about that but it's pretty typical of his life these days, just kind of a daily occurrence - and naturally Spock had been more offended by the terrible poetry rather than the fact that those things were probably generated by the people who had kidnapped their helmsman and chief engineer. Thank God for Ensign Slater, who at least pretended to be amused by the jokes he made. It didn't even matter that she'd only volunteered for this mission because of her thing with Sulu. They pretended nobody knew, but everybody did. Nothing stays a secret for very long during five year missions.

So anyway, they wander around on the planet some more, looking for Sulu and Scotty. It's dark and foggy and humid and cloudy and horrible, and Kirk actually wonders if maybe his crewmen weren't responding to hails because they had flung themselves off a cliff for being forced to spend longer than five minutes down here. He gets more and more concerned as they go, because they aren't finding anything but also because this away mission is starting to seem less and less well thought out with every passing moment, and he's about to say something about this when Slater announces that they have arrived at the point from which Scotty and Sulu sent their last transmission.

"But there's nothing here," says Kirk, looking around. They're standing at the base of, unsurprisingly, a cliff. It looks just like every other cliff base they've walked past on this planet.

"Captain," says Spock.

"What?"

Spock doesn't answer, because he's infuriating like that, and he's in the habit of getting him to figure things out for himself, which is fine and not a gigantic problem or anything, but honestly Kirk is still a little hungover and this planet is just not agreeing with him. But he looks, following Spock's gaze up and at the top of this massive rocky hill stands a great, black castle.

"Why is there a 14th century Earth castle on an alien planet?" asks Slater.

"Great question," says Kirk, and he looks at Spock.

"I do not know," says Spock.

"I love it when you say that," says Kirk. "Makes me happy, 'cause I hear it so rarely."

"Captain, I apologize, but I do not see how my lack of knowledge on this subject would bring you satisfaction."

Kirk ignores him. "Slater, do you think Sulu and Scotty are up there?"

"Seems likely," she answers. "It's a place to start, at least."

"So we're gonna have to climb up there, then," says Kirk.

"Well," says Slater. "Yes."

Kirk scrutinizes the steep incline he's supposed to scale and tries to plot out the simplest, safest route up to the castle door, because this really isn't a great day for a challenging rock climbing expedition, because he's hot and sweating through his uniform and did he mention already that he is hungover, because he definitely is and his head is throbbing and why, why did Sulu and Scotty pick this away mission of all away missions to disappear mysteriously into a spooky castle way up high on top of a goddamn cliff? Why? And now he has to climb it?

"Fuck it," he says.

He gets Slater to calculate the coordinates of the castle entrance and relays them to the ship's transporter room, and somehow, for the first time ever, this actually works, and in seconds the three of them are standing before the looming, intimidating gateway.

"Awesome," says Kirk, and he means it, because it's never that easy. Which means it's probably about to get pretty hard.

The gateway is wide open, conveniently, and suspiciously, given their two missing crew members. Kirk isn't keen on just barging right on in to look for them.

"Captain, I would advise caution," says Spock. "It is very possible that this is a trap."

"We're definitely in agreement there, Mr. Spock," says Kirk. "But we've always been good at getting out of those."

He ventures forward, the others following behind. It's a castle, lots of hallways and corners and spooky doorways leading to more spooky halls and doors. There's a big courtyard, and they walk under in the awning around it.

"Was that a cat?" asks Slater, surprised.

"What?" Kirk looks. There's nothing there.

"There was a black cat there - I swear, I just saw it run across the courtyard - "

"I believe you," says Kirk. "But how would a cat be here on this planet?"

"Another hologram, perhaps?" suggests Spock.

"Maybe." Kirk looks at both of them and shrugs. And then he turns around, takes three steps, and the floor opens up.

* * *

When Kirk comes to, he's not sure how much later it is. He remembers the falling part, and the part where he was in a dungeon or something, and that Spock and Slater were there too. Details are hazy.

And he definitely has no idea how he got where he is right now.

The room comes into focus and it's a great hall of some kind. He's sitting at a long dining table covered in magnificent food. Best kidnapping ever, he thinks, taking it all in. Except for the part where his hands are tied in front of him, of course, but he's had worse. His communicator is on the table just out of reach, and he gets a sinking feeling in his chest when he sees that it's dead.

"Oh good! You're awake!"

A beautiful, elegantly dressed woman with dark hair and cat-like eyes glides in, smiling at him.

"Just in time for dinner," she purrs. She sits down at the head of the table, her chair a throne. She makes herself comfortable, and then sits and watches him. It's awkward.

After a few moments, Kirk clears his throat. "So uh, you haven't seen a coupla guys wandering around in here? One in red, the other in gold? Or a couple others in blue?" They're all missing now, apparently.

"Oh, don't worry about them. They're safe."

Kirk tries to stand up, but two pairs of hands shove him roughly back down. He looks behind him and discovers Sulu and Scotty staring him down like zombies, phasers trained on him.

"Oh, hey guys," he says. "We've been looking for you."

"Aren't they just adorable?" the woman croons. "So loyal! Like little puppies."

Kirk is getting annoyed. "What did you do to them?"

"Nothing major. Just took away their free will."

"Oh right," Kirk says. "No biggie."

"Never mind that," says the woman, waving her hand. "It's not important. Let's talk about us."

"Us."

The way she's looking at him is positively feral. "My name is Sylvia," she says. "I'd like you to stay with me."

Kirk stares at her. "Stay with you?"

"Well, yes!" she exclaims, excitedly. "I can make you very happy, Captain. Oh, yes," she says, grinning devilishly when she sees the look on his face. "I know all about you and your little ship. I can see into your mind... I know what you like, what gets you going... I can be anyone you want..."

Sylvia stands and her form changes - morphing into the exact image of Yeoman Rand, smiling sweetly at him, running a finger along her leg and she simpers, "I can fulfill all your fantasies... all the things you deny yourself."

Kirk burns with anger. "Stop. Stop it," he says, through gritted teeth.

Sylvia is herself again in the blink of an eye. "You'll get used to it, James," she says. "Everyone does."

"I'm not staying here with you," he snaps.

"Is that so?"

"I have a job to do. I have a ship. I have a crew to take care of. You can see that in my head, can't you?"

"Forget about them."

"Yeah, I can't do that."

"Well." Sylvia produces out of thin air a tiny replica of the _Enterprise_, hanging from a fine chain. She dangles it in front of him. "Isn't it cute? Maybe they'd like to play, too." The flame of the candle before her flickers as she lets the ship fall into it.

Kirk watches, confused. "Am I supposed to believe that's doing something?"

"You think it isn't?"

The dead communicator on the table suddenly comes to life, and Gaila, whom he left with the conn, can be heard, sounding a bit frantic.

"Captain, can you hear us? I repeat, we are suffering from an unexplainable heat increase, the temperature is going up all over the ship, and we are unable to break orbit - "

It cuts out, Sylvia laughing.

"Stop," says Kirk. "Don't hurt them."

She looks at him for a moment, then sets the ornament on the table. "I'm very powerful, you know."

"I'm starting to realize that." He pauses. "Just don't hurt them. You can keep me. It's fine. Just leave them alone."

"Oh, how noble!" exclaims Sylvia, dramatically. "Sacrificing yourself for your ship, your crew... a true hero."

Kirk can't tell if she's being sarcastic or not. "Well, that's the captain's job..."

"And now your job is to stay here, with me, and be pampered forever," she says, happily. "Oh, I can't wait. It's going to be splendid!"

A sudden banging of doors comes from behind Kirk, making him jump.

"SYLVIA?"

"Oh dear," says Sylvia, glancing around worriedly. "Oh dear, oh dear..."

"SYLVIA? WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Who is that?" Kirk asks, and he tries to stand up, but Sulu and Scotty push him down again.

The doors to the great hall smash open, and a tall, broad, bald man with a pointy black beard barrels in.

"Sylvia, what the hell?"

"Korob, my dearest," she says. "Look! We have guests!"

"Guests, eh?" He looks at Kirk, at Sulu and Scotty. "They all look thrilled to be here."

Sylvia laughs nervously. "Well, I'm sure they could come to love me..."

Korob rolls his eyes. "Not everyone in this universe has to love you, Sylvia. For God's sake."

He waves his arm and Sylvia disappears.

Kirk stares. "What did you do to her?"

"Oh, nothing," Korob says. "Just reverted her back to her natural state."

Korob leans down and picks up Sylvia, now a fluffy black cat.

"I live up here by myself, so sometimes I give her a bit of personality," he says, stroking the pissed off animal lovingly. "When I'm away, though, she gets up to some mischief."

"Right," says Kirk, but he doesn't really get it. He holds his bound hands up. "Could you..."

"Oh, yes, of course," and Korob waves the ropes away.

* * *

The five of them, freed after a hearty meal hosted by Korob, make their way down the hill outside the castle. It's still hot and foggy, but at least they're all together and all in one piece. Kirk pretends not to notice Slater and Sulu hanging back behind them so they could console each other by holding hands.

"That whole thing was really weird," says Scotty, who clearly still feels a bit stunned.

"Tell me about it," says Kirk. He was hit on today by a cat. Add that to the list of reasons he needs therapy.

"You said she was a cat?"

"Yes, Scotty. She was a cat."

Scotty shakes his head, muttering about _never leaving the engine room again_ or something along those lines, and Kirk doesn't blame him.

Kirk gets out his communicator. _"Enterprise,"_ he says. "Five to beam up."


End file.
